Monday, 14 April 2014

More



He was so good to her. He said he loved her. And always would.
He brushed her hair, and made her breakfast.
He cared about her and helped her in everything.
He took her out on fancy dates and bought her expensive stuff.
He pampered her and called her his 'baby.'
He made a promise that he'd stay forever.

She believed.

Yes, they had their fights.
Yes, they had their jealous, hard times.
They went through their ups and downs.
They went through everything two people would go through in a relationship.

She had never been so sure about anything else in her life.

She fell for him, so hard.


She thought she was 'his girl.'

She never knew.

*

Slowly, he seemed distant.
Slowly, he was around less.
Slowly,  he was fading away.

*

She never knew that she was his 'other girl.'
She was always his other girl.

*

She would wait for him to come home.
She would wait to sit on his lap and tell him stories.
She would wait for those pecks on the neck.
She would wait for her sheets to smell of sex and cigarettes.
She loved it all, but never realized.

*

Until one day, she met 'his girl.'

*

She was shattered.
Her world, broken.
Her forever, ended.


She drowned in alcohol and choked herself with cigarettes.

Whatever it was, she stood strong.
At least she was trying to.

She kept telling herself ' I have more to live for.'

Don't we all?

:')


Model : Aparna Garud
Photographs by me.
More photographs on the facebook page.

Tuesday, 8 April 2014

Letting go




This storm will pass.
And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure in fact, whether the storm is really over or not. 
But one thing is certain. 

The person coming out of the storm won't be the same person who walked in.

*

I will never understand how you were able to move so seamlessly into a world without me. 
You go through life as if I was never a part of you, but i'm not sure I will ever be the same. 
You came, changed everything, and left, and destroyed me. 
You lost nothing when you left me, but I think I lost myself.

And this is me, walking out of the storm, a different person.
A different soul.

*

You know what my problem is? I get attached, fast. 
And once i'm attached to him, I do everything I can to please and make him happy. 
It's never been about what I want, it's always been his needs before mine. 
I give out too many chances even when he doesn't deserve it. I'm okay with him taking me for granted because he's there in my life, and that's all I ever want. 
And even when he screwed me over, I was there for him. Because that's who I am. 
Once I get attached, he always has a place in my heart. 
That's why it's so hard for me to let go.

But don't worry now. It's been long enough. I've been hurting long enough.
Maybe you're on the back of my mind, somewhere, but I'm letting go.
I'm letting go of you, boy.
And I feel sorry for you. 
I thought you were the most amazing guy ever. 
If I could have had any guy in the world, I would still pick you.
Now, you'll just be another part of my past, a memory more faded everyday. 
And someday, I'll find the guy I deserve, and he will make me the happiest girl in the world.

*

Crying over you, isn't happening anymore baby.
I've grown. And I'm happy for you.
I've learnt how to take change in my stride.
I've learnt how to think straight and reason out.
And again, I'm happy cause you've found your love.
I'm happy you're with her. 




I'm finally letting go.
And I feel so happy.


:')

Friday, 14 February 2014

Valentine.



Valentines day, 14th Feb.

Too much love everywhere. Too much cherishing that one special person everywhere.
Everyone says 'Forever' today. No one fights today. Everyone is happy.

Not us.

We're apart. But I know there's love.
I know you're thinking about me.
I know you miss me.
I know you love me.


You see that girl? She looks so happy, right? 
Telling jokes, smiling, and having a great time. But guess what? 
She's dying inside. She's hurt. She's tired. Tired of all the drama. Tired of being not good enough. Tired of life. But she doesn't want to show her weakness. So she keeps it all inside. Acts like everything's perfect. 
But at night, she cries. Every night, she cries. 
You see that girl? She looks happy, right? 
Now look through her once, and you'll see the pain.

That girl. 
Me.

I've been strong in front of everyone. But I finally gave up, dropped down that fake smile as a tear ran down my cheek and whispered  ' I can't do this anymore'

I used to think I couldn't go a day without your smile, without telling you things and hearing your voice back. Then that day arrived, and it was so damn hard. But the next day was harder. And I knew it would get worse and I wasn't going to be okay for a long time. Because losing someone isn't a one time event. It happens over and over again. I lose you every time I hear those songs, or find your shirt in my cupboard. I lose you every time I think about holding you. I lose you every time that i'm breathing. And then I cry myself to sleep. And when I wake up the next morning, 
I lose you all over again.

I over-think everything. From how long does it take you to text back, to what your status on your wall meant. It worries me how much I've fallen for you. It worries me cause you've not fallen as hard as I have. I'm losing appetite and i'm losing my sleep. I stay up late, thinking of perfect scenarios. You make me happier than I ever thought i could be. Also, you make me scared than I ever thought I could be.


We've been apart. But you know there's love.
You know I'm thinking about you.
You know I miss you.
You know I love you.


I want you every second. I miss you every time I breathe.


I'm dying for you, my love.
I'm waiting right here where you left me.
I'm waiting for you to come back.
I'm waiting to get back into your arms.
I'm waiting to be yours again.


I'm bleeding. And all I can think about is you.
Bring me back to life. 
Save me, love.
Please come back.



I love you beyond death.
Always and forever.


Happy Valentines :')


Monday, 3 February 2014

Terrible Nights



*
Apologies for being away for so long.
Back.
I'm getting better, physically and emotionally. 
And i'll be writing regularly now.

Read along.
Much love :')
*



I hate the nights when I feel so hollow inside
I feel so damn empty and out of place
I hate the nights when my mind wanders off
and all it brings back is sadness
I hate these tears trickling down
my cheek and settling on my pillow
I hate that the only thing with me is loneliness
and the only thing I feel around me is darkness
I hate it all.

That silent crying.
The one where you feel it in your throat and your eyes become blurry from the tears.
The one where you just want to scream.
The one where you have to hold your breath and grab your stomach to keep quiet.
The one where you can't breathe anymore.
THAT cry.


It feels horrible.

You then think about him. You think about all that you've done for him. You think about how much you love him. You think about all the sweet memories, all the smiles. And then, dawns upon the dark side.
You think about the negatives.
And cry a little more.

Because of him, you feel you're not good enough.
Because of him, you feel you've wronged yourself.
Because of him, you feel all lonely and dark.
Because of him, you destroyed your heart.



Sometimes that hardest decision is to let go or keep fighting.



And then again, how do you let go of what you thought was real?


Monday, 28 October 2013

Be lonely, carefully.



"If only we could help ourselves, this world would be a very lonely place."

Loneliness.
 Chaos. Anger. Pain. Hurt.
Silence.
Negativity.

*

Personally, I think that broken hearts can lead to some serious and amazing creativity. Not that happy people can't, they totally can, but that's just what I feel. You express harder once broken, things come out in a more magical form. 

Try being lonely.

They say too much of something is bad.
Maybe too much of loneliness was bad too...?

*

The world is cruel. You'll have to face many hardships at school, college, work, with friends, relationships and of course parents. Living your life the perfect way is next to impossible. You are bound to make mistakes. What you got to do is learn from them. In the post, i've spoken about loneliness. If you find the need to be lonely, do it. Distance yourself out from people so that there is less drama and less stress. 
That's what i've been doing for a while now.
It's worked for me. Pretty well actually.

But I was talking to a friend whom I met after a really long time, and she said to me that distancing myself permanently from people and cutting them off only said that I was running away. What she meant is distancing them for a while, and taking a break is cool. But doing it permanently is like quitting. 

Take breaks for yourself, but let those certain people help you out. Those close ones.
People like family.

Help yourself out, and let the close ones help you too.




*Be lonely, carefully. *